Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Five Love Languages

Well, it only took us a year and a half, but Darrell and I finally got through The Five Love Languages. 




Even though it took us quite a while to get through the book, I would definitely still recommend this book to other couples. It really is a pretty easy read, and the author interweaves lots of stories from real-life couples which helps to make it more enjoyable (and relatable). We were slowed down mostly because we wanted to read it together, and going to bed ten minutes early to read a chapter or two was rarely a priority of ours. But I also don't think we lost anything by spreading the book out over that many months, which is also a good thing.

For anyone not familiar with the book, The Five Love Languages focuses on the fact that fairy-tale love is pretty much unrealistic. Eventually the butterflies fade, and how a couple adapts to that situation will determine the success of their relationship. Gary Chapman writes that most relationships fail because one or both partners have an empty "love tank", which basically means that their needs for love and appreciation are not being met by their partner. In many cases, this can further stress the couple because both partners may be feeling like they are showing their love but their partner is not receptive to it.

Enter the idea of the love languages. Chapman suggests that there are five primary ways people "speak" love and want love to be "spoken" to them: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. People may be trying to show their love to their partners, but if they are speaking the wrong love language, their partner might not recognize their act as an act of love (much like speaking English to a native Chinese speaker). The book gives pretty thorough explanations of all of the love languages, plus advice for how to begin speaking you partner's love language.

The only complaint that Darrell and I had with the book is that the quiz for people to take to "discover" their love language is at the back of the book. By the time Darrell and I got to the quiz, we had already read about all of the love languages and had a fair amount of discussion on them and what we feel to be our own. Because we were familiar with the languages, it was very easy for us to determine what language our responses would generate (it's a pretty simple "pick which statement best describes you" type of quiz). So we felt like it was kind of hard to be totally unbiased in our responses because we had already formed ideas on what our love languages were. I wish we had taken the quiz first, and then used the reading of the book to help us understand the results we got on the quiz. All in all though, it was definitely a worthwhile read, and one that I feel would be beneficial to most all couples, even ones who might think they have their significant other "figured out" (which--to be honest--Darrell and I thought we did. We definitely still learned a few things about one another). It may not be a panacea for all marital problems,  but I think it would definitely help increase satisfaction in all relationships, rocky or strong!

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