"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #9

Guys. This might be our most elaborate decoy yet. But I guess that happens when you are pregnant with your third child and people are catching on to our ways (fact: I have three friends who found out about this pregnancy weeks before we were telling anyone because I brought sangria to a girls' night and they put me on the spot and asked if there was actually wine in it since they've all heard about our pink sangria decoy. Needless to say, I wasn't about to lie to their faces, especially since they are all close friends whom I trust dearly). So when Super Bowl Sunday was rolling around and plans were falling into place for a family gathering, Darrell and I knew we had to come up with something good, something no one in my family would suspect. And here's what we (well, technically Darrell) came up with:

Side by side you can probably tell that one of those beers is not like the other. But in a busy house (with four little ones) no one was watching my bottle closely enough to notice that it wasn't actually dark enough to be Amberbock. Darrell bought a six-pack of Amberbock (not usually his first beer choice, but he needed something with a twist-off lid) and a six-pack of O'Douls (truthfully, O'Douls Amber would have worked better for this decoy but the grocery store didn't have it), drank three of the Amberbocks (team player, let me tell you) and refilled them with the O'Douls. With the lids twisted (mostly) securely back in place, no one was any the wiser that the contents of three of the beers had been tampered with. And I at least got to pretend like I was enjoying some beer with my football and party food.

"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #8

Okay, so I was all set to post about a different decoy (don't worry, post on that coming soon!), but then I realized I never posted about one of my favorite drinking decoys that we pulled off while I was pregnant with Garrett. And because it's relevant to the new decoy I'm posting about, I'm going way back and posting about it now.

Over the 4th of July, my family always gets together at our lake cabin. It's a grand time--and typically a very boozy time (not surprising if you know my family). So in 2014 (like I said--going way back), Darrell and I decided to contribute my pink sangria to the weekend's festivities. Except we replaced the wine with a white peach grape juice (minor detail). I just made sure to always request sangria when drinks were being poured, and life was good. No one was any the wiser. In fact, some of our cousins also came down, and one of them raved about the sangria so much she actually wanted the recipe. I (obviously) gave her the alcoholic version, although after we announced we were pregnant with Garrett I was sure to tell her (and everyone else!) about the little trick we had played over the Fourth. Needless to say, we are pretty darn proud of that decoy--although telling everyone about it may have been a mistake because now suspicions are raised when I provide a pre-mixed alcoholic drink to a family (or even friend!) gathering.

The "boozy" version of the sangria--but trust me, the non-alcoholic looked the same! Bonus points for drinking your booze-free drink out of a fancy glass ;-) 

"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #7

Now, before you get all worked up about this, rest assured that this decoy is NOT about me. In fact, I'm pretty sure the person that implemented this decoy isn't even pregnant, but it's too perfect of a potential decoy for me not to document it.

Here's the deal. We were at a wedding last weekend (congrats Katie and Travis!!) and my sister (quite unintentionally, I'm sure) pulled off what could be an awesome "I'm pretending to drink but not actually drinking" decoy. You see, when we arrived for cocktail hour, my sister ordered a moscato (she doesn't drink red wine. I'm not sure we're even related). In true my sister fashion, she only managed to take a few sips of it before we were seated for dinner (it's hard for her to drink when she is constantly talking and making very extreme arm gestures--okay, maybe in that vein we are a little related). Just before dinner was served, she decided that a moscato was "too sweet" to drink with dinner, so she sent her husband to get her a glass of white zinfandel (marginally more acceptable. Marginally). As was the case with her moscato, very little wine was consumed by the end of the meal. Shortly after dinner it was time for the toasts, so out came the glasses of champagne--and of course my sister wasn't going to pass up one of those (even though she easily could have toasted with either glass of wine). And then the menfolk at the table switched from wine to their after-dinner drinks (ie hard alcohol), so she decided she needed one of those as well (of course, for my sister, hard alcohol means a Malibu pineapple. A far cry from the whisky/bourbon the guys were drinking). By the time the dancing started, this is what her spot at the table looked like (more or less):

Thankfully, my sister is not one to waste ANYTHING, so I'm quite certain those drinks were finished all in due time. And while I seriously wish that my sister were implementing a drinking decoy because she is pregnant, I really don't think that is the case. At least not yet. You can bet I've been watching her like a hawk though.

"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #6

The last (but certainly not least) decoy of all decoies:

The Koozie Cover-Up

Oh, by the way, like our wedding favors? We *may* have over-ordered on them and still have a box at the house. Whateves

I challenge you to tell me which is the beer and which one is just a soda. Perfect decoy to use at outdoor festivals/sporting events that allow you to bring in your own drinks. And, you know, it always helps to "rope" your significant other into using a koozie as well so you aren't the only one using one--but who doesn't want to use a koozie on a hot summer day? Bonus points for bringing extra koozies to hand out to your friends. And even if you are inside (because, you know, it's winter in South Dakota), using a koozie is still perfectly acceptable. It keeps your drink better insulated, plus keeps your hands from getting cold from holding a well-chilled can.

PS Major points to anyone who can actually identify the two drinks being masked by the koozies. There might be something in it for you, like your own awesome Jess and Darrell koozies! And, you know, maybe something that isn't quite so lame :)

"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #5

I have to be honest, I'm a little ashamed of myself for posting this as a decoy. And I'm equally ashamed that I've actually put this decoy into practice. But, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Commit Alcohol Abuse (also known as a party foul).

The most common form of alcohol abuse consists of spilling your drink. However, this is hard to do tactfully, and--especially if you are at someone else's house--it can be downright annoying. Plus, there is always a good chance that if you spill your drink, someone will offer to bring you another, which means you now have to figure out what to do with that drink (unless, of course, you just blame the spill on a high level of intoxication and refuse to continue drinking*). The only exception to this is if you are at some sort of outdoor party--walking a little briskly and sloshing some of your drink over the side of your glass is totally acceptable (as is "forgetting" how much drink you have in your glass and "accidently" tipping it a little to much while having a conversation with someone). Just don't be that jerk who spills your drink on someone else.

What I find to be much less conspicuous--and way less of a mess--is to gradually dump the drink down the drain (note--you are probably limited to doing this when you are at a house; I don't know many people who take their drinks into the bathroom with them at a bar/restaurant). Obviously, if you are sitting down having dinner at the table, it would probably look strange to dismiss yourself to the bathroom and take your drink with you. However, if you are at a house party, it probably isn't unusual that you would be walking around with your drink in hand, making it very easy to disappear with it into the bathroom. Just make sure that you are carrying your drink to other rooms of the house as well; if the bathroom is the only place you carry it then someone might question what you are doing.

*As my husband so kindly pointed out, if someone were at the intoxication level to be spilling his/her drinks, that person would probably not have the mental awareness to stop drinking. So, this would be another good time to have a buddy or significant other in on your ploy so that they can be the one to step in and say that you should quit drinking. Plus, the ploy is that much more believable if the impetus to stop drinking comes from someone other than yourself.

"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #4

I'm/We're trying to be more fiscally responsible.

Of course, this decoy doesn't work if either you or your significant other is, well, loaded. But for Darrell and I, pulling this one off was an easy sell. Of course, it required participation from Darrell as well, because by using this excuse he was also barred from ordering a drink. And it also isn't a good idea to pull this strategy out if the sole purpose for getting together with the group of people is to drink. But since we were getting together with friends to go to Buffalo Wild Wings, it was perfectly believable that we weren't ordering beer to go with our wings because we were trying to cut back a little bit. And really, if you are pregnant or trying to get pregnant, chances are you are legitimately trying to be more fiscally responsible, so it really isn't even like you are lying!

"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #3

I promise to have some non-pregnancy related posts later this week/next week (yay for getting to do baking over the holiday!), but for now, here's another useful strategy for hiding your pregnancy at a bar or social event.

Order a beer (or drink of some sort), but don't really drink it. If/When someone asks, claim to not like it very much and pawn it off on a significant other (or friend).

I'll be honest, this was a challenging guise . We were at JL Beers with a friend, and I knowingly ordered a beer that was a little bit more up Darrell's alley than mine so that it would be easy for me to claim that I didn't like it. But let me tell you--it's really hard to sit there and eat a delicious burger with a full beer in front of you and Not. Drink. Any of it. Regardless of the fact that it was a beer I didn't particularly care for anyway.

The ploy worked well, though, because when the guys were ready to order their second round and my friend realized how much beer I still had left I sheepishly admitted that it was a little "too hoppy" for me so I was having to drink it slowly. And he shrugged it off without an issue (actually, he may have called me an amateur, but given the circumstances I suppose I can handle a little bit of an insult).

I will say, though, to "sell" this decoy a little bit, you might want to take occasional "sips" of the beer. If you aren't comfortable taking tiny sips and ingesting even a small amount of alcohol, you might be able to get away with just raising your drink to your lips and tilting it backwards and having it hit your lips a little bit. And then, if there's the opportunity, have your significant other take a swallow out of it to help make it look like something is actually being consumed. And unless you have really astute friends (in which case, maybe make sure they are a few drinks ahead of you by this point), you should be able to slip this decoy under their nose without much issue.

"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #2

This one is a little bit more limited in its application, but if you can make it work for you, it's a great one!

Insist that you are dehydrated/have a headache from some strenuous physical activity.

I first dropped this excuse the afternoon after my 10K; my brother's baseball team was having a fundraiser at a bar, and not a person questioned my decision to drink water once they had heard I ran a 10K a mere five hours earlier. I may have gotten some grief from a few people, but my slight gimp from sore legs and incredibly lethargic demeanor seemed to sell them on the fact that I, in fact, probably shouldn't be drinking.

Of course, this excuse is not only extremely dependent on there being a reason for you to be dehydrated, but also on it being believable that you accomplished said physical activity. If I had tried to pawn my dehydration off on completing a triathlon, it's doubtful anyone would have bought it. But since people were aware the road race was going on, and know that I lean more toward physical activity than being sedentary, no one really doubted me. Plus, my immediate family all knew I had been training, so it wasn't like the whole event came totally out of the blue. But, if you were wily enough, it could be possible to pull this one off as a total lie. Because aside from Darrell, no one was at the race and able to verify whether or not I actually ran.

Update: I also discovered that the 10K/strenuous activity excuse works as a good decoy to distract from the fact that you might be eating more than normal. Because it's totally believable that someone training for a road race, or even just doing more intense than usual workouts, is going to have an increased appetite. But again, it's certainly helpful if these claims fit in with the perceptions people have of you; if they know you are someone who has never ran more than a mile in your life, it might be a hard sell to convince them you aren't drinking/are eating more because you are training for a marathon. So make sure to be realistic.

"I'm Not Drinking" Decoy #1

One of the most challenging things about trying to get pregnant, and then hiding said pregnancy, was coming up with reasons why I wasn't drinking. For many people this isn't an issue, but for those of you who know my family you know that alcohol and my family are 100% synonymous with each other. It doesn't matter if it's my brother's amateur baseball game, a trip to the lake cabin, or a Sunday afternoon watching the Twins/Vikings--you can bet there will be booze. So in order to keep our efforts a secret, Darrell and I came up with a variety of schemes to keep them from noticing that I wasn't drinking--and as they'll tell you, the decoys worked!

It didn't take long at all for us to have to implement one of our decoys. Not but a week after we started trying we went over to my parent's house to help them move some furniture, and it took all of five minutes for them to offer us a drink. Now, we were well aware that the likelihood of my being pregnant was slim to none, but we didn't want to take any chances (plus I was dying to try out some of our "tricks"). So it was time to implement ploy number one:

Request a drink, but make sure it's something you know they won't have available

Mom: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: Sure. Do you have a bottle of wine open? (I made sure to check their counter first to ensure that in fact, they did not)

Mom: No, your Dad just finished it last night. We can open another bottle though.

Me: Don't worry about it. You don't need to open a bottle just for me. 

Mom: Well, can I get you something else then?

Me: No, that's fine. I'm not really in the mood for anything else. Besides, it's getting kind of late and I have to work tomorrow anyway.

The beauty of this decoy is that you are still asking for something, so it doesn't look like you aren't drinking. And when they tell you they don't have what you are requesting and offer you something else you can easily play it off as you aren't really in the mood for anything else. And now if you slide in a "piggyback" excuse (I have a big test tomorrow; it's getting late, etc), that excuse won't look as obvious because you've already asked for a drink. This decoy could work at a bar setting as well; just make sure you know in advance what their drink selections are. Order a seasonal beer that you know they just took off the tap, and when the bartender says they don't have it, say you need some more time to think about it. And if they don't ask again what you want, great. And if they do, just say you'll pass. And then lament to your friends about how all you really wanted was the Boulevard Chocolate Ale.

(Oh, and by the way--in case you've been living in a hole for the past two months, it's Election Day. Celebrate the end of political ads by getting out and casting your vote!)